Quotes from the Movie Idiocracy

Collins: You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.

Joe: Are we on base?
Frito: I'll base your ass on my fist... face... ass. Shutup!

Carl's Jr Machine: Carl's Jr. Fuck you, I'm eating. Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our extra big-ass taco?

Nurse: Uh... This goes in your mouth. This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt. (Joe puts wires in, machine beeps) Shit. Hang on a second. This one... Uh... This one... this one goes in your mouth.

Doctor: It says on your chart that you're fucked up. Uh... You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.

Guard: Okay, sir. Now we will begin to proceed to obtain your IQ and aptitude test.
Joe: What for?
Guard: Okay, sir. This is to figure out what your aptitude's good at, and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail.

Frito: What's the minus of thirty and twenty?
Joe: Uh, it's eighty. It's eighty billion dollars. That's a mighty big minus isn't it?
Frito: Yeah. I like money.

Joe: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know.
Frito: Yeah, we'll I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Costco greeter: Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Joe: I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who?
Secretary of State: The IQ test you took in prison. You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

President Comacho: So you smart, eh?
Joe: (mutters)
President Comacho: I thought your hair would be bigger.

President Comacho: I got a three point plan to fix everything. Number one: we got this guy Not Sure. Number two: he's got a higher IQ than any man alive. And number three: he's going to fix everything.

Joe: Tell me how to get to the time machine.
Frito: Oh, that's easy. Well, you go down by the museum, and stuff, it's like... it's like by the museum... sort of by... well actually not really, more like on the street you go umm... wait let me start over. Okay, you know where the time machine is?

Joe: I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.
Secretary of State: But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

Fox Newscaster: He tried taking water from toilets, but it is Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. And as history pulls down its pants and prepares to lower ITS ASS on Not Sure's head, it will be daddy justice crapping on him this time.

Formica: Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk. Blaah, blaah, blaah, you got to believe me. That part of the trial sucked.

Frito: Wait. This reminds me of something. (Tries to read the word "rehabilitation").
Cameraman: Why do you keep trying to read that word. You a fag?
Frito: I'll fag your face (punches him).

Joe: Today, I step into the shoes of a great man. A man by the name of Dwayne Alezando Mountain Dew Herbert Comacho.

More Random Chimp Stuff:

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Catch Me If You Can Quotes

Reservoir Dogs Quotes

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Quotes

Bruce Lee Quotes