Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: What the deuce.

Peter: This plan is so perfect, it's retarded.

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.

Lois: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

Brian: Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Cleveland: (seven hookers in Cleveland's living room) Okay Peter, that's it. You and five of those hookers get out!

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Brian: Peter, face it. You're a terrible liar. (cutaway to Peter getting into an elevator with another man. The other man sniffs a foul odor.)
Peter: was you.

Stewie: Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.

Lois: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire: Giggitty!

Stewie: Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.

Stewie: (Rings three different bells summoning three butlers) You! Bring me the Wall Street Journal. You two! Fight to the death.

Peter: To the Popemobile!

Chris: What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople?!

Cleveland: Hey, baby. How would you like to go black, and then make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?

Peter: Our children are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois: Peter, that's enough.
Peter: Eats babies.

Peter: You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Peter: Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

Peter: Lois, no one really needs glasses.
Meg: You wear glasses.
Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Stewie: Hell? Oh that's a bit much, don't you think? I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother, but who hasn't?

Quagmire: (Quagmire walks into a toilet stall to see Cindi the cheerleader bound and gagged) Dear diary...jackpot

Mayor Adam West: Say no more. I'll protect you, sir. It is my job. I only ask that you do not feed my cat Bootsie, as he's already eaten and might throw up.

Peter: ...Christians don't believe in gravity!

Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
Guy 2: What do you mean?
Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs]
Guy 2: [laughs then shivers] I'm cold.

Brian: (to a dog sniffing his butt) Do I know you?

Brian: I spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a "Hollaback Girl" is -- all I know is I want her dead.

Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word. Pussywillows...

Peter: By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not gonna tell you where, but I'll give you a hint: It wasn't my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls

Robot Stewie: Damn you vile woman. Blast. What the deuce.
Robot Brian: I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

Bachelorette contestant: I wasn't too nervous. I mean, when I'm nervous I work out and I wasn't working out so I must not have been nervous.

Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5 AM Mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 AM. What else haven't you told me?!

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