Quotes from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart: Russia held its parliamentary elections last week. The result: it decided to go with a dictatorship.

Jon Stewart: With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.

Jon Stewart: (about an increase in college crime rates) This is what happens when you take away Napster.

Jon Stewart: France, c'mon girl, don't be an invader hater.

Jon Stewart: (on the military's asking Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq) It should be mentioned that the only other people the US has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam and his two sons.

Jon Stewart: Yesterday the White House unveiled a plan to deal with terrorist attacks on Election Day. It's part of a program where the President, under certain circumstances, could declare himself Caesar.

Jon Stewart: The new Airbus plane, the A380, is capable of holding 800 passengers. Or, 400 Americans.

Jon Stewart: Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Jon Stewart: (In a heated discussion with Bill Bennett concerning gay marriage) Divorce is not caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

Jon Stewart: If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Ed Helms: Bastille. It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison."

Ed Helms: Oooh look, I'm a Democrat. I'm going to block your nomination. Oooh look, I'm a Republican. I'm going to block your blocking of the nomination. Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy. I have man boobies.

Ed Helms: You dont want to know how sausage is made. Just know that somewhere in the back of a butcher store, people are shoving bits of pig snout and cow feet into sheep intestines.

Samantha Bee: But aren't some kids so deliciously weird that they're asking to be bullied?

Samanth Bee: Yes, with its tolerant society, low crime rate, and free health care, Canada is a hell on earth for conservatives.

Samantha Bee: Kids sure are pussies these days.

Rob Corddry: Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean. It's pretty hard to see how Dean can recover from this.

Rob Corddry: ...I'd rather be shooting hookers.

Rob Corddry: It's called Avian Flu, a fatal killer that, when lethal, can be deadly.


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