Quotes from The Colbert Report

All Quotes from Stephen Colbert

"I swallowed 18 condoms full of Truth and I'm heading over the border. This is The Colbert Report!"

"Hey America. Nice ass!"

"Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions"

"As long as there are unkept bikini lines to wax, you'll have a job."

"Until next time, help control the pet population: Teach your dog abstinence."


I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation. An infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols.

"There's nothing more American tourists like than stuff they can get at home"

"Keep those letters coming, folks. An unpaid intern skims each one."

"I believe all God's creatures have a soul...except bears--bears are godless killing machines!"

"Giving a fly glasses is like giving a bear nunchucks."

"And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it!"

"I get that it's more important to be passionate about playing the guitar than to actually know how to play the guitar."

"Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family."

"Thankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before it was swept into the blades of the turbine."

"Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you."

"Bears pounced on one of our nation's biggest corporations like happy Germans on Poland."

"Don't touch that dial! And if your TV has a dial, go get a new TV. This is The Colbert Report!"

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